One topic that is always in demand is marriage. There is always room at the dinner-table, in the mosque, at a gathering, or even at a wedding to discuss marriage. Unfortunately, the topic of marriage typically include the references of “halal sex” and “fornication”. You’re probably asking me to clarify what I meant by that last statement. Yes, allow me to elaborate. In many communities, the act of getting married is praised because it is a ‘halal’ way to engage in sexual-relations without the sin of fornication, especially when it comes to the youth. However, the notion that one must get married only for the sake of engaging in sex is problematic. If one was to ask any husband or wife if sex is the end-all or be-all of a marriage than one will quickly understand that sex isn’t going to provide the substance to keep the relationship together. No, I am not saying that sex isn’t important but it definitely isn’t the end-all or be-all of a marriage. Additionally, if one went into a marriage solely for the intention of dealing with their sexual urges than is one really cognizant about the purpose of marriage? Is marriage only about the exchange of a husband and wife fulfilling each other sexually? Or is there more than that?
I’m not here to define or outline anyone’s marriage, but if one was to seek marriage as this magical cure in dealing with sexual urges than this seems shallow. Yes, if one was to get married and indulge in sex then it is ‘halal’ or lawful. Additionally, it is even rewarded by Allah(God) since it is done in a lawful way. However, if one is seeking to only get married for the sole purpose of having sex then what about afterwards? Where does one go once their sexual-needs are satisfied? Unfortunately, the rhetoric geared towards the youth about marriage is more problematic because many youths feel that marriage is their ticket for ‘halal sex’. And I’ve heard numerous times how it would benefit the youth to get married young in order to protect themselves from falling into fornication. Yes, I agree that sex outside of marriage is a major sin in Islam and it can lead to corruptions within societies. However, if the youth is filled with this belief that once they get sexual-urges they should get married then how is this fair to them once they get married and see that marriage is more than sex?
Recently, I had a heart-to-heart conversation with a dear friend about this topic. Many of the Muslim youth are groomed from a young age to value marriage and the beauty of it, but on the other-hand many are given this romanticized view that marriage is their outlet for sexual-frustration. For many of us, we understand that marriage comes with tons of responsibilities and obligations. Additionally, marriage is a place in which the couple can grow individually and together as a couple. Not only grow, but to strive Islamically for paradise. However, does the youth grasp this concept if they are being told constantly that the only way they can have sex is if they get married? Now, I must be fair in this depiction of marriage. I do believe that some parents explain that marriage is not a joke or just a place for sex. However, I’ve always found it, more times than not, that the youth is pushed to get married when they have sexual urges. Yes, I believe in many Western societies that there is an issue of hyper-sexuality happening and occurring right before our eyes, thus the youth is being exposed to sexuality on a daily basis in various ways. Nonetheless, this notion that once a kid gets sexual-feelings is ready for marriage is incorrect. Once we hit the age of puberty or even before, we can experience those urges. However, it doesn’t mean we are ready for marriage or can even grasp the seriousness of marriage.
In saying all of this, I don’t believe that marriage is a cure for horny youth. If anything, the youth should understand the various dimensions of marriage and all that it entails. I’m definitely not advocating fornication, but I am advocating education and a serious talk about sex. It isn’t fair for the youth to feel inclined towards marriage just because they can satisfy their desires because there are a long line of other issues that comes from marriage. And we have to ask if marriage is even appropriate at this point if the young man or woman is only focused on sex. We’ve heard numerous times that sex doesn’t sustain a relationship and isn’t going to hold-up a relationship if there isn’t a general connection between the two spouses.
What exactly does it show the youth that they can easily get married to have ‘halal sex’? Does it really give them the right image of marriage? Does it show them that there is responsibility attached to this choice? Does this truly show them the value of marriage? If anything, it gives the youth this stunted image that marriage is all about the sex. So, if this is the case then does the value of people ever come into play? Are people just places for imposing our sexual desires upon? So, if I knew that my general interest in getting married was to just have sex then this would force me to take a step back to ask some important questions.
1. Do I really understand the purpose of marriage?
2. What am I going to do after the sex is over?
3. Do I truly value this potential spouse as a whole or just as an outlet for my sexual urges?
4. Am I being selfish in thinking that I can be satisfied with only wanting sex out of marriage?
I’ve had so many instances in which I have heard the youth or older individuals saying that they want to get married just for the sex. Of course, they would never come out and blatantly say that, but the message got across. The only reason they wanted to get married was being they had those ‘urges’ and because they wanted to not fall into fornication. In these initial reasons for wanting to get married there wouldn’t be any claim of wanting to be with someone to share their lives with, to grow with religiously or etc. I guess my issue is simply about the notion of ‘halal sex’ and using marriage as a tool into getting it. We all have undergone those years of raging hormones, but we eventually get over it. We understand that these ‘raging’ hormones are just that…raging. However, it doesn’t necessitate for us to believe we can’t control ourselves. However, if someone believe they are ready to get married then go for it. This is ultimately a personal-choice and everyone has that right. However, we shouldn’t seek to find a cure to our ‘raging’ hormones by simply wanting to be with someone for sex. It just makes me wonder about the end results of this act of getting ‘halal sex’ in a marriage and realizing that sex was all you really wanted. So,it just makes me ask if someone really values or even understand marriage if they just wanted to have sex.
Like always, you are always welcomed to email me or comment. Just some thoughts about marriage and sex.