The Heart of a Doubter

Today I will meet God in one of His holy places
Gather the broken parts of me and give them up as an offering
carve out my heart and rinse it with holy scripture
unfold the letters i’ve written in my soul and pray them through tears
maybe God will be happy to see me, again
to know that barren parts of me are thirsty for Him
maybe today I will pray like no other day
pawn off my insecurities/lay aside my doubts/ and talk…to Him
possibly crack a joke or two…with God
maybe smile enough to make Him know that everything/ that I will be okay
that these feet in which I use to walk with through the hells of this world…is just temporary
that the tears that I cry internally are only remnants of what will no longer tread in my soul
maybe today will be a great day
maybe a beautiful day
maybe a day of rebirth
Renee, yeah, Renee
i thought I was lost/that I’ve been led astray/ that God forgot about me/or maybe I forgot the beauty of Him
Today is the day that I will meet God
Lay aside all doubts and visit God
maybe I will find God in the local mosque/maybe I won’t
maybe I will find God in the conversation between me and a holy person
or maybe I will find God right where He has always been
in the manifestation of His creation
maybe I don’t have all of the answers to the many questions that I have for God
but maybe I will never know the answers
maybe this is just another way to cover up my own doubts and issues with God
maybe this is my prayer to God
maybe these lines are being sent up to God just as I type away to an audience that will forever judge me/scold me/ criticize me/ and even misunderstand me
but that is quite okay
the world is a beautifully ugly place and I will never understand it or its people
but I hope God understands me, even if I can’t understand Him
I hope that God keeps me in His remembrance, even when I’m too unsure on how to remember Him
Alhumdulilah-All Praise be to God
So, today I will begin to praise God in the best way I know how/in the only way that I know/ \
through my heart/in the tears that I will never shed in the public/ in the notes and poems that I scribble on random pieces of paper/ in the conversations that I have with random people because I’m trying to find and understand God in all of this
And in all of this, I manage to see the beauty of God/ in His creation/ in the intimacy of life/ in the beautiful and ugly parts of life/ I know that there is God/maybe I am too doubtful to be considered a believer/ but God knows
So, as I prepare to unfold my soul in the mid-day prayer, Salatul Dhur, in congregation with others, like myself, I ask the Lord of the Worlds to keep me grounded in a world that is most chaotic and confusing.

And maybe this poem/this prayer of mine’s is in line with the many other’s/but atleast bring rain so I know that you cry too/ that you feel the pain that I feel/ that you know that my hurt is causing me to crumble/ even when it looks as if I have it all together.

Or maybe bring out the sun today/to let me know that there are brighter days ahead/

Just let me know through whatever way that light is at the end of the tunnel.

and I apologize for my absence in front of you, but with all struggles, its a little hard to face them head-on/so maybe these words will show you that I am standing/facing/begging you for another chance/ because life is a little bit too dark to be without you

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The Heart of a Doubter

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s