You slaughtered the little girl in me
And I opened up, blossomed for you, for me
you tasted the bitterness in my heart, but you ravished scandalously in the woman I became, didn’t you?
you plucked away too many years of my oppression and reveled in what you found
our bodies would come-hither with no reservations
and I delighted in it
you bit me, you vampire, you caused a death, another life to be born of me
I hate you, I despise you, but I desire everything about you
I seek refuge from you, but you call me without speaking
I come racing to find you but you’re just a memory
a memory that infuriates, intoxicates
leaves me yearning for more
Her heart raced with beads of sweat swaying seductively
silently worshiping/burying fingers into skin/a rush unrestrained
A riveting tide of emotions/emotions overdosed in ecstasy
two hearts meeting/met under the night’s sky/ covered in the bliss of passion
her majnun/his layla
the world was their’s /overtaking the night-time/a praise-dance for two
I thought I fell in love.
Maybe I did.
Or maybe it was the way his breath settled on the other end of the phone- scared, reassured, alone
The way he hid his insecurities neatly in the basement of his heart reminded me of myself.
Words became conversations, conversations into stories and stories into lessons learned
But have I learned?
Have I learned that a heart is like a newborn baby?
Always needing someone to nurture it tenderly, never quite ready to be hurt.
And his voice would settle like an ocean’s tide upon a shore- calmly and intentionally
I could feel and hear the neediness in his voice like the cries of a baby needing the tender touch of a parent
He was hurt, like me.
The way he hurts is like blades cracking across skin bleeding years of growing up too fast
And he knows it like the way a crack fiend finds escape in taking a hit
He’s as complicated as two lovers trying to find love in hotel rooms
But he is deeply bruised with a swollen heart and a trembling fear of being alone
He’s beautiful behind the pain that frequently creeps up upwardly unexpectantly in our conversations
And just like him and many others, I am the shattered mirror-image of pain and fear.
I am the hotel-room that holds secrets well like walls that will never speak.
I am the heart that yearns for love.
I was the one settled on the other end of the phone feeling scared, reassured and alone.
One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to accept the person we see in the mirror. The reality of the matter is that we know ourselves better than anyone else in this world. I can honestly say that this is definitely a hard thing for me. I think we can be our own worst critics, but I think we can sometimes over-estimate ourselves. Of course, we should strike a balance in our lives. However, if we were brutally honest and sought to uncover the multiple layers of our very being than many of us would be quite shocked to find out who we really are.
This unveiling of our deepest selves is scary. It really is. This is quite similar to peeling back the layers of an onion. The act of peeling away ourselves is brave, scary, victorious and possibly rewarding. In my bucket-list of things to do in this life, I want to unfold the layers of my being. I’ve tried to peel back the various layers of my identity, but I think I sometimes get scared and just stop. I think one of the worst feelings in the world is denying your true feelings. I’m not for lying just for the sake of lying, but I think if you’re unable to be honest with yourself than how can you be honest with another individual? And I think it is really interesting how someone can tell you about you. This may sound ironic, but it isn’t. If someone is close to you then they are capable of pinpointing things that you’ve may not have seen before.
Over the last few days, I’ve found myself struggling with the unveiling of my true self. On one hand, you can totally think the world about yourself. However, you can totally be the opposite. I’m not saying that this whole thing is easy to do because it isn’t. My own weirdness isolates me from people which pushes people away. Sometimes I believe that solitude can drive you insane. I think your thoughts can sometimes overwhelm you and cause you to shrivel up internally. I definitely do believe that socializing is healthy because we need human-interaction. However, too much socialization can make us forget about ourselves and our needs and wants.
With anything, there needs to be insight. The mirror will always remain distorted if we aren’t willing to accept who we are. We don’t have to be okay with what we find as we peel away the layers of ourselves, but we have to face what we find. I have several weaknesses and several strengths, but I have a problem with admitting them. I think that the unveiling of our beings can unravel so many things internally. Sometimes we’re just caged birds trying to catch flight. We are sometimes prisoners of our own thoughts and emotions. So, the unveiling of the person in the mirror can be the key to unlock what is hidden from within.
I used to write letters to you in my dreams. Place the address to my heart on the envelope. Seal it shut with a kiss and tuck the letter deep within my heart. I just knew one day you would come to expose the vulnerable side of me. To uncover what should never be discovered. And like all people, I made a mistake. I deeply made a mistake to believe that you would make your way to my heart when you were already there waiting on me to acknowledge that the lover and the beloved is one.
In between the two
her heart races
burns like fire
for something is wrong
the way her heart
skip beats, unmoved
will she ever smile the way she did
will the thought of tight hugs, intimate conversations and language be enough
is she a criminal of love
is she a liar among all liars
how does a heart settle in the midst of chaos and falsehood?
does her thoughts of laughter and intellectual stimulation
forever a sign of something more?
why must she hide from what is most true, most real?
why must our secrets forever keep us prisoners?
she longs to be truthful
to allow her heart to be set on fire in love
I wonder how she feels when he unhooks her, one layer at a time
Exposing little by little the most intimate parts of her
Unwrapping her, to find her as needy, as beautiful, as shy, as seductive, as hurt, as strong as the next person
leaving her vulnerable and exposed
Does his perfectly wrapped, warm hands around her body make her quiver all the way down to her toes in euphoria?
Does his piercing gaze into her eyes cause her heart to become erected in ecstasy?
Does his lips, his warm and welcomed lips, cause her to melt within the kiss?
I wonder how she feels when he says “I love you” gracefully and passionately off the tip of his tongue with no regret/ with no holding back.
Does her adrenaline rush with a racing heart that beats like riveting African drums?
Does she bite her lip, just slightly, extremely seductively, enough for him to take notice, that he had discovered the address to her heart?
Does she count-down the days he will stay or will she paralyze such thought and love without an expiration date?
Does she disarm herself of all uncertainties and allow for him to love her passionately?
Does she admire the way he looks at her when they are alone in the bliss of their own world?
Does she feel beautiful and dangerously striking when he sees her naked and bare in the face that she adorns in makeup publicly?
I wonder how she feels when she is alone
Does she feel dangerously seductive, attractive and beautiful in her own bed/ in her own thoughts?
Does she understand that she is whole in solitude without him?
Does she love herself dangerously and without regret when he is not present?
I wonder how she will feel when she finds herself to be a lover of herself.
I’m not sure how to cure a wounded heart, a shattered soul
or where to even begin
when did God entrust me to piece together gathered parts of you that made you whole?
holy, I am not
nothing or no person can spare you other than you
you must untie/unloosen/untangle the chains of your suffering
and become a caged bird set free
so unfold yourself, dance naked within your shattered soul
and make endless love to greatness
offer up prayers to the Most Divine
in whatever way/whatever language you can
let the Most Divine know that you’re calling
that you’re crying/that you’re screaming/that you’re needing help
and maybe just sit still
sit still at the gate of your heart and let nothing/let nobody in
mark today as your beginning
as the end of what was
and fly, fly high
and rejoice in the now
You told me not to tell her that I loved you
That I loved you in color
Loved you like a morning’s sunrise cracking open free into full bloom
Not to let her know that my name is stained across your lips with forever written in permanent ink
Like our love-story/engraved in the broken/most intimate parts of our souls
That you/that I
Found God in the prayers of our pain
That we’re both two wounded hearts breaking free
That I became hands open wide catching your tears
Planting my all, the seed of my love into your broken soul
That you kept me up late in conversations
Under the night’s skies with the moon and stars as witnesses/witnessing us catching flame to the igniting of this intimacy
That we made great love in the bedsheets of our most intimate thoughts
I never thought I would hate you for the memories you left burning as the centerpiece of my soul
Leaving remnants of our yesterdays within the closet of my heart
Leaving clever lies and empty promises rotting at the gate of my heart
Making me believe your words as truth like divine scripture
To only find your love as truthful as the promises you never kept
And you told me to come back, that you loved me
My love, did you forget?
Did you forget that you left bruises in my heart?
The taste of betrayal upon my lips
Shattered pieces of love across my soul
Distress written in the notebook of my thoughts
And I’ve always said I’ll never allow a man to lay his hands on me
And I guess I was right
Because your hands never found their way/their home on my body
Just the lies that you left in my heart with the rotten love you kept behind
I never knew abuse until I found you
Finding you heart-broken/shattered pieces scattered/broken in all of the wrong places
But you, you left me fractured and tortured in the prison you left of me
With my hands being a burial-ground of the hell you left for me
I unraveled my soul for a man that was less than a king for his queen
So, tell her
Tell her I was everything you never deserved
I was everything you couldn’t be
And that a real Southern boy with Southern hospitality wouldn’t call the morning after with another woman’s name still heavy on his lips, mistaking her for me
And that your game ain’t that tight because I heard the hesitation bleeding through the phone
As if she was in the next room over
Unfolding herself from the mess you made of her
And I’m sure you’re lustfully in love with her
Coming easy in her ears to come quickly in between her thighs to simply leave her
But unlike the others,
I will love me whole and never in parts
Split-opened-exposed for a man who just needs a quick fix
And that I will sinfully love me whole